A satirical take on the shambles of testing.
 | By Honor Jones Cover Stories Editor |
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You’d think the mayor of a major American city could get some kind of same-day service for a coronavirus test, or at least get her results back in, like, two to four business days, right? Nope. |
“We FINALLY received our test results taken 8 days before,” tweeted Keisha Lance Bottoms, the mayor of Atlanta, last week. “If we had known sooner, we would have immediately quarantined.” |
If it’s that hard for the woman trying to lead half a million constituents through a coronavirus surge, how bad must it be for a nobody like you or me? |
“We have plenty of tests,” his imagined bureaucrat says. “We just don’t have appointments. You need an appointment to get a test, and the appointments — these we don’t have.” |
I don’t think anyone has captured the insanity of the last few months, with the whiplash of contradictory information, better than Dave Eggers, in this Op-Ed and an earlier one called “Flattening the Truth on Coronavirus”: “Don’t go to the stores, because that’s dangerous to everyone. Order in! But don’t. Stay home. Move to the country. And stay in the city.” |
Here he is, asking that imagined bureaucrat where he can find the results that, in real life, he’s still waiting for: |
Answer: Check the website. Or the app! The app is pretty sweet. Please don’t call us. |
Question: And from the app, I get the results? |
A: Sure. When they become available. |
Q: So I should check the app often? |
A: I should say so! But that’s just if you’re concerned about your health, your possible death, the fate of your family, and the global struggle against this plague. |
Q: I’ll check every 10 minutes. For 12 days? |
A: Didn’t we say two weeks? |
Q: So almost a month until I get an appointment, then 14 days to get a result. And in the meantime I self-quarantine? |
A: Right. And then, sometime in September, you’ll know for sure whether you had Covid-19 in early July. Unless it’s a false negative. |
A: That’s when you have it but the test doesn’t show it. So maybe just assume you have it. And had it. And will always have it. |
Q: But if I did have it, I’d have antibodies, right? |
A: Absolutely. Maybe. Do you have them? |
A: You should get a test. |
A: Of course! But you need an appointment. |
Q: Can’t I get it at the same time as the Covid-19 test? Wait, why are you laughing? |
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