First: Don't try to change their mind.
 | By Joanna Pearlstein Staff Editor |
One night in the 1990s, around Christmastime, I drove my friend Masi to a Los Angeles airport for a red-eye flight. We passed through Santa Monica, where several life-size Nativity scenes were installed in a public park overlooking the ocean. We began to argue about whether the exhibits violated the separation between church and state. Both of us got vehement, tense, and I left the conversation feeling defeated and depressed. I dropped Masi off and drove home wishing I'd been more convincing. |
My problem, probably, was twofold: Masi, a skilled debater, was smarter than me, and I most certainly took the wrong approach to the conversation by pursuing my point at escalating levels of volume and intensity. Because it turns out you can't bully someone into changing their mind; you'll have better luck gently guiding someone to seeing your side of things. That's what Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School, describes in his recent Op-Ed, "The Science of Reasoning With Unreasonable People," which is adapted from his new book, "Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know." |
When we try to change someone's mind, Grant explains, we often end up accusing our opponent of being wrong. "Yet experiments show that preaching and prosecuting typically backfire — and what doesn't sway people may strengthen their beliefs," he writes. That's probably what happened on that nighttime drive: My friend and I pushed one another against the wall, activating what Grant describes as antibodies "against future attempts at influence." |
A better approach, he says, is to interview someone about the beliefs that differ from yours, "asking open-ended questions and listening carefully — and holding up a mirror so they can see their own thoughts more clearly." (And if you want to learn more tactics, I'll be speaking with Grant about his piece this Friday, Feb. 5 at 1 p.m. E.S.T. on Instagram Live. Join us at @nytopinion.) |
My bullying during that drive to the airport didn't ruin our friendship; unfortunately, cancer took it away, instead, several years ago. If Masi were still here, I would try some of Grant's techniques and see if we might come to some common understanding. The Nativity scenes were eventually relocated to church property after a court battle, but I'm sure we'd find another topic for lively debate today if we had the chance. |
Here's what we're focusing on today: |
Forward this newsletter to friends … |
Contact Us
If you have questions about your Times account, delivery problems or other issues, visit our Help Page or contact The Times. |
|
No comments:
Post a Comment